NOT THE NEWSPAPER • BIG CONTENT ENERGY

Not the Newspaper — Volume 1, Edition 4 — February 8, 2026

Tempore vēritās patebit aut vi ab invītīs statū

Volume 1, Edition 4 — February 8, 2026

FUN WITH WORDS

"Eat my sword."

I wrote a while back that writers are good at eating their own words, more than the rest of the human population I'd say. The goal is not always to be RIGHT/write. The goal is to write/Right. To keep seeking and if you don't try and get an answer wrong or a conclusion wrong, then you have no data to proceed to refine and continue to search for the actual right answer. Not everything is a question that an LLM can answer for you. Some things are… One sign at a time. I liked "Eat my sword" because the show is kitschy right? In my mind: Sword is pen. Pen is sword. Words are weapons. To write is to remember.

Eat my sword. Eat my words. Eat my [s]word. Eat my word[s].

I am full.

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UNSOLICITED ADVICE

"If you don't have anything nice to say, better to say nothing at all."

1942, the year the movie Bambi was released, where the quote is from. This is silly advice.

If you have something to say, say it!

FUN WITH BOOKS AND BOOK COVERS

What did you think of the book Sapiens?

The Bad Stuff First

I just finished Sapiens finally…it was a chug to get through it. Started off really interesting and the author had some nice points and flows to the writing and then it just got THICK with two c's towards the end. The first 2-4 chapters had good flow and it tapered off after that.

I did like the question at the end, but most parts were largely unmemorable and felt like someone took all the history courses you've been to and wrote a very long, not super interesting essay without deep commentary.

Little pushy about the not eating meat thing and how factory farms are terrible (they are). Came off a little preachy. Appreciate extrapolation on alternatives when someone raises an issue with something. Author didn't come with solutions, just information that is already known. If you're going to have an opinion, have it all the way or don't have one at all.

It could be I didn't like it cause it's a little dated too. If I had read it when it came out I'm sure I'd have a different opinion.

In summary, "What do we want to want?" could have summed it up for me. Maybe that's what's addressed in the second one? It felt like the entire book was leading to this very interesting question, and then it just shuts off right after that. Not in the cliffhanger kind of way, but like an unfinished thought.

I did learn a few fun facts about aluminum silverware, Napoleon, and New Amsterdam/New York. Wow, re-reading what I thought. I hated it?

A Matter of Style

It's got British spelling. No oxford comma. Author choose semigloss finish on the print version or at least the print edition I got. Lots of glare with a reading light. No unique book smell on the materials (cheap.) The edition I bought also had a stupid quote from Bill Gates on it.

The Things I Enjoyed or Learned

Enjoyed learning about the stock market and funding for expeditions to America. I don't remember it being emphasized heavily in school - the funding part. Why? Probably would be good to know all the ways investing and stock markets have shaped human history. You could write an entire book on just that.

The parts on religion, specifically Buddhism. Why? It ruined the song "How deep is your love" for me because I didn't know what nirvana actually stood for or meant until I read Sapiens. I had never looked into Buddhism.

BAD AT JOKES

The finest nuts

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On Personal Mantras

It is good to have a thing to say to yourself to get through hard times to remind you when you can't remember the thing. (You will forget.) But a mantra is a string of words maybe 3-7 words long that you tie to something that you will never forget. It's so wrapped up in your brain, even a lobotomy couldn't get rid of it. Speaking of lobotomies…(This is a story for another day.)

I have had a few mantras so far and they occurred in this order. I will talk briefly about them.

It was important to have something to say to myself when I was in an uncomfortable high-stakes situation where I could not leave and had to complete a task. Something to repeat back to myself over and over again to focus my brain on staying in the position I was in to get the job done.

It's kind of like listening to a song on repeat, but without the music. And the mantra means way more than other people could ever possibly know. Like a piece of personal lore tied to a million different memories and experiences. It's difficult for anyone to cut through it. Because they'd have to know you and everything about you to find a place to try to cut in. So when they try to cut in with "May I have this dance?" I can easily respond with "No. I am dancing with myself bro." I have a deadline.

Focus is something I think everyone needs to figure out for themselves. I've never had to act or do under such intense ridiculous distraction before. It's quite insane. I don't remember that before. It was easy to get in the zone and stay there for as long as I wanted. No one was ever trying to fuck with my vibe.

1. 2. I am strong when I'm with you / I am free when I'm with you

I am strong when I'm with you. I am free when I'm with you started when I finally separated from my ex. It was very difficult to leave. Extreme circumstances had to take place for it to happen. Who? God maybe? I don't know honestly. Just a little story I told myself to keep going. I want to be free happened when I decided I needed to see it on my wall every day as a reminder that I still wasn't free. I had to repeat this to myself when I filled out basic information about my family while filling an ex parte order. The vibrations were very bad and it was a very terrifying experience to write the truth and to not hold back. I had trouble remembering birthdates of myself and my children, address information, phone number information, but the details of what actually occurred….I ran out of space to fill out things and I was being pressured to write out what happened after a traumatic event. I was under such extreme pressure to write under a time constraint in a very uncomfortable situation in Oxford, North Carolina at the court house. My parents were with me. I should have felt SAFE. I didn't.

3. 4. I want to be free / I am free

I made a poster with the words "I want to be free" in big black font on a background picture of some clouds. This picture is missing from my Dropbox even though I uploaded it and backed it up numerous times. That is not the point. The point is my memory palace is hard as a rock apparently and trying to find the file is just a distraction from me writing down what happened. I don't need to prove anything.

I crossed out the "I want" eventually and added "I AM."

I want to b[r]e[ak] free by Queen is the first song I will play when I get a Cybertruck. I didn't have to repeat this to myself, because I know freedom is a state of mind and no amount of physical discomfort can change someone's philosophical underpinnings and understanding of the world. They can only make a situation uncomfortable enough for you to not want be there.

5. I am the gym

I went to court. This was before the truck accident. There was an old Model T in the courthouse on display. My lawyer changed his socks into socks with trucks on them. Before I went in the building a man said that there was a gym right here as I did push ups on the asphalt. I replied I am the gym. I said this one out loud. I remember that when I am in a place that doesn't have a gym.

6. I am the fire

I couldn't get warm no matter what. Heat blasting. Feels like my feet/ankles are in 6 inches of snow. I put my back against the fire. I remembered a dream where a man pull me out of the fire. I was facing it in the dream. I crouched and felt the warmth again. Heard the voices screaming at me to move. I am the fire was born. There is a poem too about how the fire had promised to love you forever that is missing from Google search results. I like this one the most. I may be cold as fuck but I imagine it's what it feels like to be consumed by a fire. No longer hot….freezing. Now Dante's Inferno makes sense!

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SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

TBD IMAGE

WORKOUT & HEALTH

Gym. Omg only once This week? brutal. Note to self: "u have Friday and Saturday to make up for it!" (I DIDN'T) It's been cold. I've been hibernating hardcore.

I did engage my TRX a little this week when I was annoyed, but yeah, a rest week otherwise. And also a bad taste in my mouth around the last time I visited the gym.

My energy was SICK. The energy AT the gym was NOT. Like being in a room full of vampires. Someone (a male) close to me once said "Don't put that on other people" that I was empathetic or feeling the vibes in a place. I think that is WRONGTHINK. If your body tells you something as a woman, you should listen. Men will not understand what it feels like to be a woman who has survived abuse.

Mental health? Eh, I mean pretty good considering the ordeal I've dealt with. Staying grounded in reality. Staying busy. Thinking whatever I want. I've been doing a great job of staying in the present and only dipping into the past when I want to.

I call it "stirring my own pot" when I delve into topics that are difficult to talk or write about. In my personal writing I keep to myself, I wrote about some past things too I didn't want to dig into. It usually results in some pretty wild dreams. Like last night, I had one that I went to church and the church had been split into two cathedrals…one for jews and one for christians. I had a key, but the people in the grocery line blocked me from getting to the door in time, and when I got there finally, they had changed the locks to the entrance.

My key didn't work, but I knew I had the right key.

I used to have an Ax that I won in Canada at an axe throwing tournament. It was called "The Promised Land." A man with the name "Goose" made it. I won it at a raffle. On the pay-for-play Juxbox they played Mariah Carey "All I want for Christmas is You" on repeat during the final match to determine the winner of the tournament. On Repeat. As a distraction to the opponents. It is now my alarm in the morning (finally.) I bought it over 6 months ago and wasn't able to use it as a ringtone because someone fucked with my phone settings. And then one day it showed up as an option to use as a ringtone. It was 1.99, but 6+ months to receive it.

I used to really love throwing axes competitively. It did briefly bring me joy for a time. I will find a thing again like that that brings me joy.

For now, nothing is more enjoyable than firing my gun on my property in the country. Tastes like freedom and doesn't feel bad at all. Feels fun. Reminds me of being a teenager and shooting at soda cans with my dad on my grandma Emojane's farm.

Also, my social media hiatus is over. I don't spend a ton of time, but I did notice today I had notifications when I have them all turned off. This is also wrong.

Reading social media and just dismissing all the dumb stuff that is so personal from people who know nothing about me or why I'm here. It's a weird experience. I'm just here for the cute cat videos and staying in touch with what's going on in the world and doing my own thing. I think it's best that way.

AFFIRMATION OF THE WEEK

The time is now.

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

Don't turn around; but do.

And the fire promised to love you forever. But then you couldn't find it when you looked for it. So you became the fire. A man pulled me out when I faced it. I turned my back and found the warmth I was looking for.

I'm tired of trying to find the things I know exist and being blocked on my personal computer from finding them. I'll just write something new, asshole. Or I'll just make something new. Or I'll just wait six months.

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Notes on The writing process:

Just a little thing I wrote down before writing...prework: Someone had a PROBLEM with this entry and couldn't be a man and say it to my face. Because he's dead inside. And he wants my fire. But it is mine.

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