I Fucking DESERVE THIS: Shotgun Freedom on a Horse Farm (Feb 24, 2026)

I live on a horse farm. I don’t particularly like horses that much, but it is a special, beautiful place, where it’s calm and away from the city and with new noises like fucking coyotes howling in the night and strange animal noises you never heard before. Secluded enough for a writer. Close enough for a suburban mom for same-day Amazon deliveries. The most perfect place for the most stubborn person. The most perfect place for me to write while someone tries to “break” me, while also learning important lessons about themselves and their own humanity. An old cottage house with floors that feel like a freezer and a $420 electricity bill in the winter months. One with gravel roads and blackberry bushes that haven’t bloomed yet in the spring and summer. One with plants you haven’t seen yet but got an early peak of february wild daffodils. And a trophy for your garden: Two Big Buck Horns For a Deer You Didn’t Have to Kill. At least Four Dead Mice You Trapped In Your House. No shots fired, well two, but they were just at the cardboard washer box with my shotgun. To shoot your shot with such abandon in the country, even after losing almost everything is a different high that you cannot buy. To look up at a million fucking stars away from the incoming city lights. To play your music as loud as you want. To dance naked in your driveway if you so happen to choose to… I got that. With a lot of pain and tears that never stop and questions that don’t stop either. I get to be here. I fucking DESERVE THIS. To know. The answers to all my questions before I am on my deathbed and before I die.

Mental health? Eh, I mean pretty good considering the ordeal I’ve dealt with. Staying grounded in reality. Staying busy. Thinking whatever I want. I’ve been doing a great job of staying in the present and only dipping into the past when I want to. I call it “stirring my own pot” when I delve into topics that are difficult to talk or write about. In my personal writing I keep to myself, I wrote about some past things too I didn’t want to dig into. It usually results in some pretty wild dreams. Like last night, I had one that I went to church and the church had been split into two cathedrals…one for jews and one for christians. I had a key, but the people in the grocery line blocked me from getting to the door in time, and when I got there finally, they had changed the locks to the entrance. My key didn’t work, but I knew I had the right key. I used to have an Ax that I won in Canada at an axe throwing tournament. It was called “The Promised Land.” A man with the name “Goose” made it. I won it at a raffle. On the pay-for-play Juxbox they played Mariah Carey “All I want for Christmas is You” on repeat during the final match to determine the winner of the tournament. On Repeat. As a distraction to the opponents.It is now my alarm in the morning (finally.) I bought it over 6 months ago and wasn’t able to use it as a ringtone because someone fucked with my phone settings. And then one day it showed up as an option to use as a ringtone. It was 1.99, but 6+ months to receive it. I used to really love throwing axes competitively. It did briefly bring me joy for a time. I will find a thing again like that that brings me joy. For now, nothing is more enjoyable than firing my gun on my property in the country. Tastes like freedom and doesn’t feel bad at all. Feels fun. Reminds me of being a teenager and shooting at soda cans with my dad on my grandma Emojane’s farm. Also, my social media hiatus is over. I don’t spend a ton of time, but I did notice today I had notifications when I have them all turned off. This is also wrong. Reading social media and just dismissing all the dumb stuff that is so personal from people who know nothing about me or why I’m here. It’s a weird experience. I’m just here for the cute cat videos and staying in touch with what’s going on in the world and doing my own thing. I think it’s best that way.